My dear children,
I always love to read from this sister who is a survivor from cancer (one of the killer illness) – she is sister Raden Galoh. Alhamdullilah, Ibu always follow her writings. She is not complaining about the test given by Allah swt but she encourages us to see what lies ahead of the pain and underneath it through our soul and mind. The latest writing is very touching and always with deeper meaning. When Ibu read and relates it with my Phd journey…….Allahhu akhbar…..Subhanallah and Alhamdullilah …….what Allah test me is just a pinch of salt compared to what Allah swt tested her and others before me.
Even though with difficulties but Allah swt still loves me when all my loves one are here with me. Your sacrification my dear husband and children are priceless. I love you because Allah swt bleeses me with the feeling of love and care for you. Insyallah, what ever it takes, what ever we have to go through…….Allah swt is the greatest. What ever decision I make , my dear children, I always depend on Allah swt guidance. Ya Allah , Ya Rabb, Ya Rahman and Ya Rahim, please show me and guide to the right destination and decision. What ever You decide for me, make the decision best for me and my family. And bless us and put us in redho in what ever situation we face. Amiin. Lets us ponder on her experiences and thoughts.
Cancer = Chances = Sister Raden
You all must be wondering what’s happening to me. I know, I’m missing blogging too and missing all of you as well. I had been busy banget! I had been so preoccupied with the office matters for the past few days. I had been going back rather late to make sure everything needed was obtained. The slides were prepared with the selected photos and some technical issue was taken care of. Glad I had a colleague who is well-versed with all the technical aspects of an event.
Today I feel a bit tired but happy because the event went on smoothly. When the big boss is happy I’m too. Alhamdulillah! Health-wise, I’m feeling good. No pain in any part of my body. The menopausal symptoms are also manageable. I now learn to control my mood swing better. I do acknowledge the anger or sadness when it hits, and again, Thank you Allah for giving me a very understanding husband and children. When I’m quiet and sadness sparked in my eyes, the boys – especially Idris – would hold my arm or hand and me: Mommy, you are not okay? He would caress my hand. Adam would pat my back and says: Sabar…. This 5 letter word is a pill I need most of the time!
Today, I want to write about a particular issue. Something I have embraced in my life. Cancer, that is. Someone did ask me: How come I talk about cancer in such a calm manner and sometimes can even slide some jokes about it?
I sensed what the lady meant was that, with cancer, it all becomes a serious matter and something worrying and mind troubling/boggling. Hearing someone you know or love is having cancer is a heart-wrenching news. I agree with her but I also have learned that I will not get intimidated by cancer. You can have cancer but cancer can’t have you. Sound familiar? Of course, it is a scary experience when you have cancer because with cancer we are not sure of the outcome. But then again what are we afraid of? Death? Don’t we all eventually die? Pain and suffering? Ah! Maybe this is it. The enduring will be too much for the body and mind, I agree. And during this time, we normally seek refuge in Allah’s mercy so we come to Him with more of our pledging. We ask Him to give us the strength to bear the difficulties, we ask Him not to give us the hardship that we cannot bear, we ask Him to lessen our suffering. We are – in real sense – are given an opportunity to improve our Ibadah.
Thus, to me, cancer equals chances. I don’t see cancer as something that rips my life apart. It comes with so many blessings that I can’t describe in a page column. Nonetheless, it is not about the blessings that I want to touch. It is about the chances.
Cancer made me stop and ponder upon my life. It is giving me a chance to do a lot of self-reflection and analyse everything in my life; from the personal matters to my career life. Cancer is giving me a chance to slow down and appreciate all others connecting with me. Cancer is teaching me to be more forgiving and practicing what I always say: Life is like a cone of ice-cream, savour it before it melts!
Those are some little issues from having cancer. I have embraced cancer as part of my life. Having it is neither a disaster nor a mishap. Having it makes me evaluate my spiritual hold. I need to re-look into many matters relating to the permanent world. That permanent world will be the destiny. Even a small matter can carry a heavier weight if it is done constantly. Istiqomah is the Arabic word.
Having heard you are diagnosed with cancer is similar to having your world crumbling on you. But that feeling is normal because we are human being. When something as bad as cancer hits our lives, so many bearings of our life need to be changed and re-aligned. And as normal person, we usually are so scared to make the change. I was too in the beginning. Being jobless with the escalating medical expenses could definitely made sleepless and draw me crazy and mad. Terduduk as we normally express ourselves when we are hopeless. But I was wrong for one thing. I don’t determine my future and my rezeki. Allah is the one and all I need to give myself a chance to understand my relationship with the Creator and submit all that I have – including my worry and fear – to Him. Little did I know, in the hardship, He provides me with the way out: one-by-one for each worry and fear. Little did I realize, with the constant pledging I gain a more peaceful heart and mind. SubhanaAllah!
Then at one point of my life when getting back to work was so difficult because of the cancer, I almost lost my hope about working back again. I did ask Him if going back to work is the best for me, then give me someone who would hire me. Solemnly and patiently I asked. Finally Allah granted my supplication. It didn’t matter about my below the range salary. I just need something to cushion my medical expenses and a career where I can pour my knowledge or make use of my expertise. Everyday, now, going to work, I make my niat (solemn expression): Ya Allah, ease my ordeal today as I work because of you and for your cause, give me the berkatrezeki I get.
Along that way, I have understood that it is only God who can make a Ringgit stretched long enough to make us all feel sufficient with what we have/get. I had experienced getting a comfortable 4 digits salary and yet I failed to save and spare some. God made my salary worthless in barely a month! All because I failed to bersyukur with whatever nikmat that He had given. Did I not utter Alhamdulillah? Yes, I did. But did I understand what alhamdulilah truly means? Nope! I didn’t! Astarghfirullah! If I did, I would have done better with the many Ringgits I get as something for my destination – the final one. Not as something to be compared amongst friends and relatives with similar qualifications and/or tenure.
Since then, never I fail to ask Him to make me His servant that is always bersyukur even with the slightest nikmat He gives me. When the numbness becomes so mild, I feel His greatness overwhelming my body. When I can walk or climb the staircase without much huff and puff, I feel His tender loving bless showering me. SubhanaAllah! When the flea market business makes only a Ringgit profit, I ensure everyone is thankful because it is still a profit. Sedikit –sedikit, lama-lama jadi bukit. Alhamdulillah, in the first quarter of the year we have managed to save the earned profits for something that we already planned that everyone in the family can get. Not to forget, a portion for the orphanages as the alms.
Now, even with the measly salary – barely enough to support my medical expenses – I never feel so tight. One by one, the issue relating to my credit standing is solved. Slowly but the most important thing is my mind is peaceful and I’m calmer. Cancer gives me a chance to learn being positive and optimistic. Cancer will not take my life away. It gives me a room to beautify it. Cancer teaches me a good lesson – live in the now and worry not about your future!
When a hardship hits, it is a time for us to slow down and allow the chances of our life to come into the picture. Don’t be scared of the changes that happen in our lives.
I learn the hard way. But I don’t regret it.